Sausage In a Basket: The Great British Guide of How NOT to eat
Sausage In a Basket: The Great British Guide of How NOT to eat
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The Knickerbocker Glory Years: the Great British Book of How Not to Eat

On sale now from Bloomsbury Publishing. From all good book shops or order a copy from these lovely online retailers:

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Because it's all 'ME! ME! ME!' with some people:

A Martin Lampen Biography

Martin Lampen
Martin Lampen was born in Plymouth, Devon in 1973. Now living in London, he works as a writer, illustrator and also as a freelance design consultant on various high-profile/hush-hush media projects.

Martin Lampen Potted History

Martin is also the creator of the incredibly successful Bubblegum Machine, which eulogises catchy-yet-long-forgotten pop music, meaning he receives thousands of e-mails per year from Belgians enquiring about Mungo Jerry B-sides.

Martin Lampen's Bubblegum Machine was recently featured in the 40th Anniversary issue of Rolling Stone Magazine (May 2007)
Now you know all about me - let's give each other pet names and pick out patterns...

Oh, no. Now you're getting really clingy; texting me every ten minutes to check whether I still like you.

Leave me alone. I need my personal space.

Q&A


Hello [your name here],

Quite a few people have been emailing me requests, comments and questions. Stuff like:

"Come to our glamorous launch party. Mingle with major international celebrities, sip champagne cocktails and marvel at the pegusus ice sculpture."

and

"Martin, I'm thinking about dabbling in the occult - how do I get started?"

Since most people tend to ask me the same questions, I've prepared what people who are genuinely interested in the internet call a (list of) 'Frequently Asked Questions.' Bless them.

Here are my answers:

  1. About 4 hours every night

  2. 500,000.00

  3. Raspberry ruffle.

  4. My ideal night in? Cliff's 'Miss You Nights' on a loop and 16 sweet berry sloe gin miniatures. Sobs. Then 'Summer (The First Time)' by Bobby Goldsboro. Scotch & soda. Sniffles.

  5. For the money

  6. Women called Hannah on downtime from on-off relationships with Ben or Toby.

  7. My favourite Eddie Murphy film is Trading Places. Why do you ask?

  8. Squirrels.

  9. It can't have been me. I've never even been to Gosport.

  10. Maybe, but I'd have to see a picture first.

My Favourite Recipe: Delicious Caramac Melt


Ingredients:

1 tub of soft scoop vanilla ice cream

Choose old-style ice cream with a soft watercolour of a Cornish cove on the front of the tub. Don't use any new-fangled ice creams; frozen desserts named after Joni Mitchell album tracks with fairtrade chocolate chunks and 0.01% of net profits going to rainforest reserves.

& 2 bars of Caramac

You'll have to search hard for this. You won't find Caramac in any of the major supermarket chains. Source it out in a seedy side-street cigar shop; one with an impressive assortment of pipes and army knives in the window.

Directions:

Scoop 6 or 7 dessert spoons of ice cream into a bowl. Once the tub of ice cream is finished, you can use it to take your packed lunch to work...

Though the fact that you take last night's cold pasta and a warm catron of Capri Sun rather than go to the staff canteen with everyone else may make you the subject of ridicule and possibly an workplace 'whispering campaign.'

Break the Caramac into chunks and place it in a microwaveable dish.

Microwave the Caramac pieces on high (100%) for:

650w: 110 seconds.
750w: 110 seconds.
850w: 110 seconds.

Scoop the melted Caramac over the ice cream.

Serve quickly.

Enjoy

Invite friends over

I Love you


Caramac Recipe
All text, illustration & site design by Martin Lampen
Martin Lampen 2007-2008